mccain-palin heartHe was a former fighter pilot and war hero married to a cold, aloof heiress. She was a frustrated housewife, yearning to leave small town life for the bright lights of the big city. Introduced by friends, after just one phone call, they knew it was right.

“Meet me in Minneapolis,” he said. “I’ll show you what you’ve been missing: fame, adoring fans, beautiful clothes…we have a great future together.”
“I can’t leave my family,” she replied. “But I deserve so much more than I have here. Do you have any idea how badly hockey players smell after a game?”

And so they struck out on an ill-fated journey. Traveling from town to town with their unsuspecting spouses who failed to see the sidelong glance, the wink, the stolen moments in the back of the Straight Talk Express. But alas, it was not to be. Cruel reporters, heartless liberals, and thoughtless comics worked their black magic, cursing the couple who sought only to cross that mighty Bridge to Nowhere. The act they had worked so hard to perfect was falling flat. When he caught her flirting with a handsome plumber, he realized his mistake.

“You’re an empty-headed, self-aggrandizing bitch!”
“You’re an angry, controlling bastard who never lets me do anything!”
“I work my fingers to the bone and you blow all my money on fancy clothes!”
“I wouldn’t have to if you let me have a real job! And anyway, I thought it was our money!”
“I knew I shouldn’t have fallen for you!  All of my friends told me you were shallow and superficial!”
“I was the best thing that ever happened to you! A real man would see me as a beautiful, smart woman, but oh no, you had to tell me what I could say, who I could talk to!”

Sound familiar? Yes, it’s every bad movie on Lifetime. It’s also the Republican Party, specifically the McCain and Palin factions, eager to avoid blame for their defeat at the polls. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we now read reports about the Republican party’s efforts to reclaim the $150,000 worth of clothes Palin bought with contributors’ credit cards and RNC funds. The RNC is sending an attorney/repo-man to Alaska to inventory and retrieve all those fancy threads. I assume that any lingerie will remain in Alaska and be considered the cost of a lesson learned.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out,” he said. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
“You’re right,” she agreed. “It’s you.”

Premiers Saturday, November 8. Check local listings.