Dear Alaska:

I am writing to let you know that once again your dog, “Sarah,” has shown up in my yard. She had no collar or tags; however I recognize her from her previous unwelcome visits to the neighborhood. She came to my attention when I heard her endless, shrill barking. Of course when I came to my window to investigate there was nothing there except Sarah, barking to hear herself bark I guess. I have tried to quiet her; however she ignores everyone who doesn’t fawn over her. I do not want to tell you how to raise your dog, but I think she needs entirely too much attention. As a working dog I would assume that there are things she could be doing at home if she was simply kept there. I realize, having been around her for a while, that she wasn’t the sharpest pup in the litter, but there must be something that she can do besides make noise.

Please understand that I am a dog lover and have three dogs myself. However, I do not let them run wherever they want. While I absolutely do not approve of chaining a dog in the backyard, I believe a tall fence around the home could work wonders. Furthermore, when my dogs do their business in someone’s yard I always clean up after them. I would appreciate it if you would do the same. I don’t know what Sarah eats, but it is my impression that she is full of, well you know.

Please come and get Sarah as soon as possible. I do not want to call the authorities, but if you do not take care of this immediately I will have no choice. Finally, I noticed that Sarah was wearing some very expensive doggie clothing called “Doggie Style.” You may want to look into what she is doing in order to get it. It may need to be returned.