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geezerI announce my surrender to the inevitable. I can no longer avoid the truth.

Ich bin ein Geezer.

I am old and eccentric. It is the only explanation for the fact that I am untouched by Michael Jackson’s death and cannot understand why it is still at the top of the news cycle. He was OK until he just got weird.

I must be a geezer, because while I’m sorry that Billy Mays is dead, I am grateful that I won’t have to listen to him shouting any longer. Louder does not mean, “more believable.”

Only a geezer would like to choke that little prick who does the Free Credit Report.Com ads. As a geezer, I would probably get away with it.

Being a geezer explains why most actors under the age of 30 look alike to me and are equally forgettable.

We geezers don’t  give a rip about who marries whom, as long as we don’t have to buy a gift and attend the reception.

Geezers do not watch romantic comedies. We know from experience that “romance” and “comedy” rarely occur together in real life. Usually it’s “romance” then “mind-numbing ennui” followed by the sweet release of dementia.

Popular culture is mostly a yawn to me yet is thrust in my face at nearly every turn. Therefore, what I cannot change, I must embrace. Not only will I embrace it, I will grab it, grope it, and squeeze it. I will wear my pants up to my armpits, held in place with suspenders and a belt. I will  let hair sprout from my ears, wear plaid shirts with a bow tie, and yell at those kids to stay off my lawn.

And if it takes me longer to pee than it used to, well that’s just part of geezing.  I’ll bet it takes Mick Jagger longer, too.

News Item: Focus on the Family Action releases it’s annual “2008 Christmas-Friendly Shopping Guide” which advises us which greedy commercial enterprises “embrace Christmas,” and alerts us to those who have “purged or marginalized Christmas.”

angry-santaAhh, the Christmas season. Peace on earth, goodwill to all men, except to those of you who don’t think and behave the same way the self-appointed Guardians of the holiday spirit have deemed worthy. For several years these folks pummled Wal-Mart, which certainly deserves to be pummeled for many secular reasons, for saying “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas.”  Now the Guardians bring us a brand new naughty ‘n’ nice list that includes:

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Egg SeparatorThe afterglow of the election is fading, the economy bites, money is tight, and the holidays are just around the corner. It’s time to be thinking about gifts for friends and family. For those of you at home who are struggling to come up with an affordable gift that says, “I couldn’t think of anything better to get you,” you’re in luck.

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This just in…a jury smiteth flight attendant Sharon Brown’s lawsuit against Victoria Osteen, babelicious preacher. Osteen was heard to say, “thank you God” and “praise God.”  (Apparently, God was sitting on the jury. Probably the third row, so as to not create a spectacle.)

I can see it now. Osteen’s attorney, Rusty Hardin, will now have a bumper sticker on his beamer: “God is My Co-Counsel.”

In my never-ending and fruitless quest to correct others’ annoying behavior, I propose that this sign be posted in the fire lane that fronts every liquor store. This might discourage lazy morons from parking there while they dash in to get a bottle of cheap vodka to mix with Kool-Aid.

Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold nor thy servant an elbow to the tatas.”

I’ve been watching with some amusement the lawsuit over the “unfortunate misunderstanding” involving Victoria Osteen and flight attendant Sharon Brown. As I’m sure you recall (because you also get a guilty pleasure from seeing the mighty stumble, admit it), in 2005 Her Holiness allegedly lost it on an airplane when flight attendants did not work quickly enough to remove a small spill from her seat. Not her ass, her seat. Got it? Read the rest of this entry »

Thank goodness. Maybe the new owners will do away with the swill A-B calls “beer” and brew something decent.

The economy bites, money is tight, and the holidays are just around the corner. It’s time to be thinking about gifts for friends and family. Fortunately for the creatively-impaired, there are companies out there with many wonderful gift ideas.

Today’s suggestion comes from the What on Earth Catalog, which hosts a collection of crap like none you’ve ever seen, unless like the Admiral you receive every friggin’ catalog in the universe between September and December.

Yes, friends, they have an egg separator that allows the egg white to drip like snot from its ceramic nose. What Rachael Ray wanna-be wouldn’t want one of these in her stocking?  Please buy several and give to all your friends. At least China’s economy will benefit.